hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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