You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
