I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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