What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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