I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
