I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
