I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
