Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
