haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
