tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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