I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
