My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
