I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
