NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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