I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
