I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
