i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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