He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
