She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
