Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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