Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
In America we eat man semen.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
