How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
