Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
