i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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