I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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