Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
