I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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