You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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