Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
