I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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