my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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