i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
