At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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