I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
