Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
