please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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