I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
