Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
