I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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