well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
