dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
