I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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