Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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