somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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