1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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