HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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