i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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