Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I could make wine with my vomit
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
