I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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