you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
