tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
