On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
