so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
