why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
