just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
